Woman without her man is nothing

Woman without her man is nothing
By Tom Cline

EDITORS NOTE: Thomas Cline, a 50-year law enforcement veteran is past president of the International Association of Ethics Trainers, a writer/trainer at the Chicago Police Academy and a consultant. He’s authored Cop Tales! (Never Spit in a Man’s Face…Unless His Mustache is on Fire) and Surviving Storms. Non-Tactical Career Survival for Law Enforcers. In this article he writes about the men and women in law enforcement, promiscuous sexual behavior and suicide.

Woman without her man is nothing – Hold on! Before you decide, hey, this guy is a jerk, and stop reading, or hey, finally a macho man, I challenge you to punctuate the title.

We men often make fools of ourselves attempting to be liked by a woman. Women, though few know it, hold all the trump cards in picking partners. They pick us. Until about fifty years ago I believe women knew that. However, the culture has been telling them that they are the same as men in sexual matters and, because it has been repeated often enough, many have bought the lie. In accepting the idea that we are the same, women have relinquished their best man-selecting trump card: “No, where is the ring?” Women weren’t always virtuous, but they were smart. You see, men and women engage in sex for different reasons. Men pretend love for sex, and women pretend sex for love. Mull this assertion awhile.

Guys cannot win in the battle of the sexes. When a man is attracted to a woman and gets physically close enough to have his testosterone react with her pheromones, especially if she coos and looks at him seductively, he is captured. During the chemical reaction the man reaches a point where the decision-making part of his brain is unable to function. According to… Dr. Neal Trautman of the National Institute of Ethics, if a man remains in a situation long enough, by medical definition, he becomes intoxicated. And, “God forbid!” he mixes alcohol AND pheromones; the stupidity gene reigns. The best solution I’ve heard for this temptation comes from the Bible: “Run.” Dr. Trautman is the only L.E. trainer who addressed this subject in his classes. My friend’s neighbor, a cancer victim, lost her cop husband whose passion for his female partner persuaded him to divorce her at such a critical time in her life.

What man has not done something stupid to impress the female of his desires and fantasies? I suspect women’s desires and fantasies about men are different and less related to the bedroom.

You may wonder why this is relevant to cops. Well, it has to do with the relationship of ethics to suicide. Most of the cop suicides in Chicago in the last few years have some commonalities; they involved promiscuous sexual behaviors and alcohol, both intoxicants for men, and at least two of the women.

If you or someone you know if law enforcement are considering suicide please call the the Safe Call Now crisis line at 1-206-459-3020. Safe Call Now is a CONFIDENTIAL, comprehensive, 24-hour crisis referral service for all public safety employees, all emergency services personnel and their family members nationwide.

In Jack London’s novel “The Call of the Wild and White Fang”, p.158, Wordsworth Editions he said, “One cannot violate the promptings of one’s nature without having that nature recoil upon itself.” Suicide is the ultimate recoiling of one’s nature upon itself and, observing so many incidents that involve promiscuity, love triangles and alcohol, I cannot help but think there may be a connection, and nobody wants to speak of it.

Sex is the most human thing we can do because it ensures the continuation of humans and creates bonds between a man and woman that cannot be explained as only pleasure seeking or species continuation. These bonds have tendrils that run deep into the heart and straight to the netherworld when abused. Animals in heat cannot help themselves and must engage if a mate is available. Humans however, have greater choice of when and with whom to engage and, if discretion is not used and pleasure is the only end, is it possible that our nature recoils upon itself? These situations become complicated and overwhelming for people and, rather than stopping the behaviors, humans are tempted to use negative methods like alcohol, drugs or more promiscuity rather than examining the rationality of the behavior that caused the recoil.

Judging from ethics classes where I raised this issue many recruits think promiscuity is okay; they embrace and promote it, especially men. They’ll cover for friends with lies and have said it is expected in law enforcement. The first few times I heard this I was shocked. Now I see it as the norm because the general culture is hyper-sexualized and children in grammar school are being introduced to sex as a pleasure tool. Masturbation is being taught and promoted in some curriculums. Culturally, the idea of sex being sacred between a man and wife is laughed at and demeaned as archaic, yet research points to the family unit as producing the most stable children and happiest couples.

Business speaker, Jim Rohn, said suffering is part of life and we get to choose our pain. The pain of self-discipline weighs ounces, and must be accepted often enough to become habit or we suffer the agony of regret. This pain weighs tons. It overwhelms us, particularly in the most human of matters. In this context, perhaps the burden of promiscuous sex is so heavy that it seems less painful to end our life.

This topic is one of those gorillas in the room and I wonder if anyone wants to breach it. Would you have the courage to breech it with a colleague who is abusing his/her sexual gifts? The risk is being told to STFU and losing a friendship, but what if it saves a life or a family from the suffering brought on by the agony of regret?

Oh yes, did you punctuate the title? The men I asked to do this punctuated it like this; “Woman, without her man is nothing.” Women see it differently. They punctuate it like this; “Woman, without her, man is nothing.” Well, I suppose there is another touchy issue.

Continue your good works!

Thomas Cline, Spouse, Father, MBA, MAP, a 50-year law enforcement veteran is past president of the International Association of Ethics Trainers, Board of Directors, Law Enforcement Training Trust, ILEETA member, and an instructional designer and trainer at the Chicago Police Academy where he developed curriculum on Ethics, Leadership, Variant Behavior, and Stress Management. Married 34 years, he and his wife have 7 children, one of each.

Tom has authored:
Psyche Firefight (Law Enforcement Job Satisfaction in a Hostile Environment)
Surviving Storms (Non Tactical Career Survival for Law Enforcers)
Cop Tales Volume 1 (Never Spit in a Man’s Face . . .Unless His Mustache is on Fire.)
• Articles in Law and Order, Illinois Cops and American Police Beat Magazines
CLICK HERE to Email Tom for information on his training and workshops.

If you or someone you know if law enforcement are considering suicide please call the the Safe Call Now crisis line at 1-206-459-3020. Safe Call Now is a CONFIDENTIAL, comprehensive, 24-hour crisis referral service for all public safety employees, all emergency services personnel and their family members nationwide.

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About Editor

John Marx was a Police Officer for twenty-three years and served as a Hostage Negotiator for nineteen of those years. He worked as a patrol officer, media liaison officer, crime prevention officer and burglary detective. Also during his career he served as administrator of his city's Community Oriented Governance initiative through the police department's Community Policing project. Today John combines his skills to consult with businesses about improving both their security and their customer service programs. John retired from law enforcement in 2002. When one of his friends, also a former police officer, committed suicide at age 38, John was devastated and began researching the problems that stress creates for police officers. He decided he needed to do something to help change those problems and he wanted to give something back to the profession that gave him so much. He started a project that has evolved into CopsAlive.com. Put simply, the mission of CopsAlive is to save the lives of those who save lives! CopsAlive.com gathers information, strategies and tools to help law enforcement professionals plan for happy, healthy and successful careers, relationships and lives.
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  1. This was sent to me by someone who I did not think would agree with my thoughts. It is frightening.

  2. Thomas Cline once again proves himself to be the quintessential example of misogyny. His overall mindset about the relationship between women and men is archaic and demeaning to both sexes. What about same-sex relationships Tom? Is sex between two men less sacred? Assuming that women aren’t sexual beings just as males are? Assuming that the only thing men are after is sex in a relationship?! I feel as though I am reading a page out of a 1975 pre-cana brochure every time I read something from Mr. Cline. Do you realize that your words about women demean them? You figuratively disarm them when you make these assumptions and statements. You’re not empowering anyone. Your writing is simply a last-ditch attempt to find like-minded individuals within your rapidly shrinking social circle of masculine empowerment.

    Our world, our society, our values and policing have shifted YEARS ago. To think that this mindset is still reviled and accepted is atrocious. This article serves one purpose and one purpose only: to stand as a shining example of WHY we need to change the way we think, why we need to strive for a more inclusive, egalitarian view of policing.

    I welcome anyone to email me so we can discuss this topic further, jwm2166@tc.columbia.edu

  3. Outstanding article, thank you for breaching the gorilla! We do our best to present these topics at conferences, needs to be addressed way more! I plan on reading more of your work , appreciate the way you write.

  4. Tim: What you did took tremendous courage that few can muster.

    From Rollo May > Quotable Quote
    Rollo May
    “This exile is a fascinating symbolic act from our modern psychoanalytic viewpoint, for we have held in earlier chapters that the greatest threat and greatest cause of anxiety for an American near the end of the twentieth century is not castration but ostracism, the terrible fate of being exiled by one’s group. Many a contemporary man castrates himself or permits himself to be castrated because of fear of being exiled if he doesn’t. He renounces his power and conforms under the great threat and peril of ostracism.

    — Rollo May, “The Tragedy of Truth About Oneself” (The Psychology of Existence: An Integrative, Clinical Perspective by Kirk Schneider and Rollo May), pp. 14-15”

  5. John, thanks for the informative Newsletter. We’re all in this together. Have a wonderful holiday season and continue your good work! Best , Mar

  6. I actually have addressed this topic with a former colleague twice. It caused me to lose a friendship and to be departmentally ostracized because of his influence.

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